The beginning of the end?

 

My mental instability began from a very young age, my parents wished for a baby boy but instead they got me😝.

As far as I can remember my parents didn’t care much about who I am and what I do or who I choose to become. They didn’t care about my feelings, didn’t care about any of my achievements, any of my interests, who I was surrounding myself with or when I left and came home. As a young child my father catered to my physical needs, washed dressed and fed me like any parent is supposed to do, but that is about where he drew the line. I don’t remember my mother being present at any point in my life even though we lived in the same house. Growing up I always felt like the least-liked child, the child that the parents don’t show up for, the child that the parents don’t listen to, the child that is simply invisible which is also why I am late diagnosed with autism as my parents never paid enough attention to see any signs. The only thing they seemed to pay attention to is alcohol and even now everything is still all about alcohol. I guess that is why I always seek validation from the people around me until this day, I mean its hard not to when you feel the constant need to prove yourself to people so that they can accept you and like you for the person you are.

When my parents randomly decided to leave Poland and move to Ireland I was confused. I was seven years old and had no idea that my life was about to change forever and let me tell you, ever since then now is the first time I’ve ever felt at peace. We moved to Ireland with absolutely nothing. We had no place to live, we would couch surf and live with random people we didn’t know and the four of us would squeeze onto one bed together having barely any idea what we are going to eat the next day. As a seven-year-old I just wanted to have a normal childhood, I wanted to play, invite friends over, go on school trips etc. But instead, I was constantly anxious, constantly hyper aware of the fact that we didn’t have any money and constantly scared of what is going to happen next.

Whenever I look back at my childhood, I realise that being fragile at such a young age made me an easy target to be taken advantage of by a lot of the people around me.

Little did I know, the devil couldn’t reach me so he sent me someone to make my life a living hell 😅